During the 28 years I have been interacting with bereaved people, one of the most frequent questions I have been asked is, “Who has the worst pain?” Do bereaved parents suffer more than widows and widowers? Do children whose parents die feel more agony than children who lose a sibling? Is it harder to watch a loved one suffer for a long time before death releases the victim than it is to answer the doorbell or the phone at midnight and suddenly hear the news of tragedy? Is suicide worse than homicide? Is the death of an “older” child more difficult to grieve than the death of a newborn or infant?
If there were one, clear and definitive answer to those questions, grieving could be neatly catalogued and mourners could be organized into convenient categories. Our comforters and caregivers would then be able to select from a predictable menu of helps, and everyone could get “healed” more quickly and efficiently. If only….
But the truth is it makes little difference how our loved ones died, at what ages, or what our relationships were named. The pain of grief is agony no matter how or when it happens.
Long-term dying is not better or worse than sudden deathit is different.
Mourning the death of an infant is not better or worse than mourning the death of a teenagerit is different.
The grief of the widowed is not better or worse than the grief of bereaved parentsit is different.
Death by homicide is not easier or harder than death by suicideit is different. And the list goes on and on…
There is no adequate preparation for the loneliness and emptiness that must be squarely faced when we finally come to the realization that we will never again in this life see that one who is so precious to us. In every case the mourning period can be just as painful and difficult for one as it is for another, but the grief needs of the bereaved can be very different.
When the relationship to a loved one was cemented with the permanent “super glue” of devotion and commitment, death causes a ripping apart that leaves the survivor with a devastating and gaping wound, regardless of how the death occurred or what the relationship was named.
However, if the adhesive that formed the relationship bond was simply “pressure sensitive,” the separation may involve no more than the sting of tape being quickly pulled off skin. The pain may be sharp but short-lived, regardless of the type of death or the kind of connection. It all depends on how bonded the survivor was to the deceased.
In our society, a “friendship” may not be taken as seriously as a blood relationship; an engagement may not be perceived as importantly as a marriage; the death of a parent may be assumed to be a more deeply felt loss than it truly was to the surviving child or children. And we must never assume that a long-term dying process has fulfilled the “grief quota” of the survivors who loved and lost!
It’s not fair to assume that if mourners have some advance warning that the death is coming, their grieving time is shorter or less intense. We must be careful not to confuse the natural relief that the deceased is finally beyond the reach of suffering with the assumption that the grief of missing them will be abated.
By inadvertently giving our society the message that certain kinds of relationships or certain kinds of experiences are “worse” or “better” than others, the grief support for some survivors may be in danger of being prematurely aborted or even ignored entirely.
Grief is an individual experience and comforters and caregivers must be careful to support the bereaved on a very personal, each-case basis. Mourners feel the pain of grief in direct proportion to their perception of how important the loved one was in their lives, and that value is entirely subjective.
There is really only one criteria that establishes the quality and quantity of mourning: The intensity of grieving is directly related to the intensity of bonding.
Good Grief Resources (http://www.goodgriefresources.com) was conceived and founded by Andrea Gambill whose 17-year-old daughter died in 1976. In 1977, she founded one of the earliest chapters of The Compassionate Friends, an international bereaved-parent support group. In 1987, she founded and edited Bereavement magazine, and in 2000, she joined Centering Corporation as Editor of their new magazine, Grief Digest. Twenty eight years of experience in grief support has provided valuable insights into the unique needs of the bereaved and their caregivers and wide access to many excellent resources.
The delight lit my face as the couple turned the corner into the hallway where we stood in lively conversation. I threw my arms open wide, ignored the cell phones plastered to their ears, greeted each of them, first the husband then the wife who followed slightly behind him.
Oblivious, I missed the pained expression on his face as we exchanged hugs.
As we separated, I watched a stray tear leak out of the corner of his eye.
He kept walking as I shifted my attention to his wife.
“He just found out that his sister passed away,” she said in a hushed voice.
“I’m so sorry,” I replied, stunned into silence.
I glanced across the way in time to see the man lean his forehead against the far wall.
“I think we’re going to go,” she added.
“I totally understand,” I mumbled, at complete loss for words. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated.
She moved on to comfort her man.
Having yet to lose a parent or sibling I felt rather foolish.
Later, questions ran rapid-fire through my brain.
Why does the issue of death give us such pause?
Do we avoid it so much that we never learn to cope when it faces us?
Would it make any difference anyway?
Do we not know how to empathize with the pain of another?
Do we not care enough or do we care enough yet lack the tools or the skill or the experience to better support in times of need?
Or perhaps no answer will ever suffice in such matters of the heart and only time can fill that gaping, jagged, ugly void that scratches the recesses of the soul.
I thought about the mother that loses a child to disease, the soldier that leaves his life on the battlefield, the accidents that part us from loved ones, that savage beast called anger that erupts in violent ways with little regard for the victim until it’s too late.
Always one constantsuffering, different for each of us yet endured by all, large and small, young and old, weak and strong, with no more discrimination than a roaring wind or a blazing heat, sometimes coming in gusts, sometimes beating on us without reprieve, relentless.
Then it fades.
The magic of human resiliency creeps in unannounced and goes to work, a flickering smile, the first laugh, a deep shoulder shrug that sheds an albatross of sorrow, a blue sky that actually gets noticed, a dog lick that incites a momentary grin, a cookie that brings back a measure of sweetness that doesn’t instantly disappear, a memory that opens the door for joy to sneak back in and sit a while.
Maybe we’ll never figure it out.
Maybe there’s nothing to figure.
Maybe it’s hard to speak permanent goodbyes and harder still to accept them.
Maybe the tragedy makes way for real love, a bliss born in the contrast of anguish.
Maybe the tears wash away grief, one salty drop after another.
Maybe we’re not supposed to know, just feel.
Maybe…
Sun will come up tomorrowbet your bottom dollar that tomorrow…
That’s A View From The Ridge…
About The Author
Author Ridgely Goldsborough invites you to subscribe to The Daily Column, a heart-felt collection of stories that inspire hope and courage. Please do so at www.aviewfromtheridge.com.
Manhattan is the heartbeat of New York City and has become one and the same with the city as a whole. The island of Manhattan itself is home to Grand Central Station, as well as a number of artistic and cultural hubs. Manhattan can be roughly divided into Downtown, Midtown and Uptown areas, each of which contain a number of first-class points of interest.
Positioned to the south of 14th Street, Downtown Manhattan is the site of the Financial District which runs along Wall Street, including the rebuilt World Trade Center and Battery Park, from which you can reach the Statue of Liberty by ferryboat. Several well liked cultural areas downtown, including Greenwich Village Tribeca and Soho feature notable architecture, the latest dining and plenty of shopping. Another admired target downtown is Manhattan, which runs along Canal Street.
The Midtown area is situated between 14th Street and Central Park, and includes a top artistic scene. The center|core|axis|hub|heart} of arts life in the city is the Theater District which includes Broadway, Times Square and Hell’s Kitchen, as well as the Madame Tussaud’s. Midtown is a accessible location for travelers to stay as there are several New York hotel choices in the district. Other popular districts include Gramercy Flat Iron, a up and coming residential district, as well as the fashion-centric Chelsea District.
Dominated by Central Park, Upper Manhattan features the Tisch Children’s Zoo, the Jewish Museum and several museums all over the Upper East and West side. Additionally, the area is thesite of Columbia University in Morningside Heights, the old Harlem area and Washington Heights.
All of the Island of Manhattan’s irreplaceable districts carry their own sense of history, as well as trendy points of interest from top-notch arts to eats. A jaunt to New York is not whole without a extensive tour of Manhattan’s best destinations. There is a good reason that the island has come to define the public face of New York city. Manhattan is one of the world’s foremost cultural capitals and continues to lead the way in commercial and cultural trends.
Upon being diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, I saw the reality behind the greatest myth of mental illness, the myth that The Victim Is Unaware of His or Her Own Condition. A childhood flooded with media depictions of the mentally ill had lead me to believe that the afflicted had somehow been robbed of their objectivity, thrown into a dark hall-of-mirrors beyond the realm of rational perspective.
Nonsense. My rational mind remained intact, albeit uncomfortably so. From the lighter corner of my mind, I watched darkness flow in. Obsessive images of violence and amorality. Urges, or rather, “pseudo-urges” to do things I didn’t want to. Yin (the rational mind) duking it out with yang (the imbalanced, irrational mind) on a daily basis. The word “Hell” was used often when describing this state.
I’m certain that the suffering of many leads to punctured objectivity and the loss of rational self-awareness. Fortunately, I remained aware. No matter how awful I felt, I could at least articulate what was going on. The power of descriptive articulation should not be underestimated. It keeps the disorder in context as a disorder, preserving a firm boundary between the right mind and the ill mind. For me, imagining such a boundary was a vital survival tool. I focused on finding a day when Yin overran Yang, so to speak.
The afflicted mind has difficulty inspiring itself to seek assistance. What a complex entity the mind is; even in sickness, it has only itself to rely upon. Unlike somebody with a broken leg, a person with an anxiety disorder cannot lean on his or her other mind. Overcoming mental duress is like trying to kiss your own lips. Quite tricky, but possible with enough imagination.
Imagination and resourcefulness, that’s what it comes down to. These strange ailments go just as they came. I knew that elements of my mind were strong; the challenge was getting these elements to positively influence the weaker ones. This required many analysts, many appointments, many schools of healing. Psychology, psychiatry, homeopathy, reflexology, reiki, energy healing– these were all thrown in the pot to little avail. Finally and unexpectedly, acupuncture provided balance. I’ve improved significantly. I thank acupuncture and I thank my supportive family, but, most importantly, I thank counter-mythology: even when afflicted, the human mind sees itself. And in itself, it sees solutions.
About The Author
Eric Shapiro is the author of “Short of a Picnic,” a collection of fictional stories about people living with mental disorders.
Disclaimer: None of the content of this article should be considered medical or psychological advice. You should consult with your health care professional for specific advice relating to your medical and psychological questions or conditions.
An important issue for Psychologists, Pediatricians, and other specialists working with children is physical and mental development of children and adolescents. There are many age periodizations in child’s development and going through every period, child learns and gets new abilities. However, children with chronic illnesses like diabetes, sickle cell anemia, severe asthma, cancer and others cannot go through regular physical and mental development. Due to special treatment they cannot go to ordinary school like healthy children, sometimes they have to stay in hospitals for a long period of time. How to help children with illnesses develop mentally and not drop behind children of the same age?
1. Create special home or hospital-educational plan and organize short mathematics, logics and reading lessons every day or week. Together with your child you can make this time very interesting and useful. New information, which you can find for your child, will help him or her to feel completeness of life and self-efficiency.
2. Create homework assignments for your child. Begin with easy arithmetical (or any other subject) tasks. Doing it successfully will help your child to raise self-confidence and interest to new knowledge.
3. Even small tasks which demand accuracy (for example, measuring table in centimeters or inches) can be very interesting if you explain that every item around us should be planned and measured very accurately first, before constructing. Manual tasks demanding attention and accuracy are very useful, because they increase ability to concentrate and regulate attention.
4. Be patient and teach your child to be patient. This will help your child to be optimistic during treatment process and have positive attitude to the environment - some of the major components of psychological and physical health.
5. Contributing to your child’s mental development will help your child feel all your love. Receiving interesting information, positive attitude and cheerful mood create a special condition to improve health and stop illness progress. Help your child be interested in knowing more and more about this world, prompt him or her to be healthy and you will see positive changes in your child’s life.
Academic ceremonies have evolved over the centuries and now are filled with traditional practice.These include, among others, the types of attire worn by degree recipients, the practice of identifying academic and professional faculties by special colors, and the nomenclature in use by American universities to designate the three levels of academic degrees.
Although the protocols of today’s commencement procession reflect our own institutional history and organization in matters of detail, essentially they remain faithful to those academic customs which evolved among European universities since the middle ages.
Academic Attire
Although academic attire that is worn today in colleges and universities evolved from the clerical uniform of the Middle Ages, it was not officially adopted until l895.This attire has been modified in recent years for reasons of comfort and mass production, but in its essentials it remains unchanged.
The Graduation Cap
The familiar mortar board evolved from the traditional cap of OxfordUniversity.The soft cap, adopted by the University for use by doctoral degree recipients, is a modification of the traditional cap of CambridgeUniversity and resembles an overlarge beret or tam.The material of the cap is always black for degree levels below the doctorate and may be made of an appropriate material, except that velvet is reserved for the doctoral cap.
The Graduation Gown
Academic gowns are usually black and, aside from differences in materials and fullness, there are three types.The associate’s and bachelor’s gown have closed fronts and long, pointed sleeves.The master’s and CAGS gown may be worn open or closed and have oblong sleeves open at the wrist, the lower portion hanging down with an arc near the bottom.The doctoral gown may be open or closed and has velvet facings and three velvet bars on the round, open sleeves.The doctoral gown also may be in the official color of the college or university.
The Graduation Hood
Although the hood descended from the clerical hood and originally had a very practical value, it is now a means of identifying the level of degree attained (by the width of the band and the length of the hood), the academic or professional nature of the degree (by the color of the band), and the institution awarding the degree.
While there are many components to getting your degree, the Graduation Gown is perhaps the most important piece with the most interesting story.
“James is so restless and energetic. I wonder if he’s hyperactive.”
“Nancy seems to be all over the place. She’s got a dozen projects going at once!”
“Harley does things so fast! He put up a website in two weeks.”
“Marlene is so intense. She needs to lighten up.”
While it’s possible that James is hyperactive, Nancy is scattered, Harley skates on thin ice and Marlene is depressed, it is also possible that each of these people wears the label, “gifted adult.”
Gifted children often lose interest in school because they’re bored. They don’t always get top grades because they think in unconventional patterns.
Gifted adults can be misunderstood. Those who read books like Jacobsen’s The Gifted Adult often feel relieved: “Finally, someone understands where I’m coming from!”
Gifted adults often face unique career challenges. Job environments rarely reward creativity, a hallmark of the gifted, and frequently punish anyone who threatens to color outside the lines. Corporations often resemble football games, where players are rewarded for being in position to receive the ball everyone wins by executing the coach’s play. Gifted people function better when their game resembles playground basketball, where you can scramble and make plays as you go.
And when gifted adults seek career guidance, they must filter feedback they receive from well-meaning advisors who are not familiar with their situation.
“Whoa! You’re trying to be a jack-of-all trades and you’ll end up a master of none.”
“Wow! I’ve never seen anyone move as fast as you do. I’m sure you’re going to be a success.”
“You need to slow down.”
“Focus on one thing at a time.”
“I can’t understand — you need to focus.”
“Boy, you’re catching on fast! You must be well-suited to this field.”
If you’re gifted, you probably already have some idea that you’re “different.” Read a few books and articles. Browse websites. Understanding how you operate can help you avoid, “Why is this happening” questions and reach success on your own terms.
Chamonix town is a prestigious town with the awe inspiring Monte Bianco as well as majestic glaciers. My friends enjoy going canyoning or even eating out. I usually fly from Commerce City and stay at a Chamonix lodge for the duration of my stay.
I previously went to Leme Othon Palace however it sometimes didn’t live up to its description: Leme Othon Palace is located at end of Copacabana Beach in residential district of Leme and approximately 16 miles from Rio de Janeiro International Airport. This location is also about a 10-minute drive from Sugar Loaf and a 15-minute drive from downtown Rio De Janeiro and Corcovado. Hotel amenities include the restaurant, complimentary continental breakfast, business center, complimentary airport transportation, and beach service with complimentary use of towels and umbrellas. The hotel also offers laundry facilities, babysitting, currency exchange, 24-hour front desk service, and a concierge. All rooms feature satellite TV, minibars, air-conditioning, safes, voicemail, and dataports.
On the other hand in Chamonix town the luxury catered chalet is invariably brilliant. Furthermore dining out in my families’ number one cafe, Doughboy’s Subs & Pizza, enjoying hot and spicy chex is a delight. Chamonix France is a big enough town to guarantee that there is lots for the skier to do. Amongst other things it includes a museum and a number of restaurants, Chamonix offers a choice of snowboarding, old town charm and sightseeing which not many resorts can beat.
Saying “No” to requests you actually don’t want to do is a good way to reduce stress. Sometimes you are asked to do something that you simply don’t want to do or is beyond your capacity. It might be a favour for a colleague at work, a close friend or even your partner. In many cases your boss might be asking you to take on more work than you can actually handle. In such cases you may feel obliged to say yes but in doing so you take on the burden of their request. If the request is really something you just didn’t want to do, feelings of resentment will inevitably creep in. If the work load becomes too great, then you run the risk of feeling overwhelmed. In either case you will become stressed.
The best way to deal with such situations is to simply say “No”. If your friends are constantly asking you to do something which you don’t want to do, it is better to say no than say yes and then become resentful. Feelings of resentment will only strain your relationship. If they are your true friends they will understand. The worst case scenario is that these so called friends do not understand which begs the question of whether they are the kind of friends you should have.
If your boss asks you to take on far more than you know you are able to deal with there are a number of ways you can say no. Firstly if the time frame is too tight, you can ask for more time. If extra time is not an option you can ask for assistance, that is, strongly recommend that more resources are used to achieve the task at hand in the desired time frame. In any case, you need to be able to demonstrate to your boss the amount of work you currently have on your plate so that he/she sees that you are not just being lazy. It is important to remember that sometimes there are unavoidable deadlines and things just have to get done. However if the task is simply not achievable try to negotiate the amount time or resources needed to complete the task.
Depression and mood disorders are very prevalent mental health issues today. In an increasingly health conscious society, more options are being put forth in the realm of natural medicine, allowing people to stabilize and enhance mood naturally, without addictive and often harmful prescription antidepressants.
Natural mood stabilizers and mood enhancers usually work by encouraging the production of serotonin and other “pleasure” chemicals such as norepinephrine in the human brain, thereby promoting a sense of calm, well-being and revitalization.
Herbal mood enhancers may contain several different herbs and vitamins in concentrated form ranging from St. John’s Wort, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Vitamin B12 and various other proprietary blends of botanical extracts and powders. The goal of natural mood stabilizers is to simultaneously alleviate stress and anxiety, while increasing energy and vitality levels (this is where Vitamin B12 usually comes into play - as an energy enhancer). All of this is done through precise blends of complementing ingredients to produce the desired outcome chemically in the human body.
A mood stabilizer is an excellent way to help make it through life’s rough patches or particulary stressful events in life, since they are natural and non-habit forming, but very effective at enhancing mood for those who need some temporary help from time to time. Please note that individuals who suffer severe clinical depression should seek the help and guidance of a therapist and/or psychiatrist though, as therapy and medication may be needed in extreme cases.
Mood enhancing herbs have actually long been used in ancient civilizations as a means for mood stabilization and mood elevation. Natural mood enhancers, in contrast with prescription antidepressants, actually do not produce many of the common side effects of prescription antidepressants.
Side effects of the more common antidepressants (Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor, Lexapro and more),may include any of the following: suicidal tendencies, sexual disfunction, dry mouth, urinary retention, constipation, blurred vision, headache, weight gain, gastrointestinal disturbance and more.
Most people actually discontinue the usage of prescription mood enhancers (antidepressants) due to the simple fact that the side effects are worse than the actual depression. Many critics of prescription mood stabilizers argue that we don’t know enough about how or why they work in the human brain, and that it is the “overkill” approach to treating depression or the “sledgehammer to crack a nut” approach, which is not necessary to effectively treat many cases of depression.
One thing is certain. There are countless people who suffer from moderate depression and mood disorders from time to time. There is simply no reason to not try a natural method to stabilize and regulate your mood by using a natural mood enhancer to get through emotionally difficult times. It’s simply not worth the risks associated with antidepressants if it is not severe enough to warrant a psychologist’s supervision.
Visit Mood Enhancers for more information on the natural mood enhancer mentioned in this article. Danna Schneider is the founder of Herbal-Therapeutics Effective Herbal Remedies .